What We Can Learn from Big Feelings and How to Navigate Them Confidently
By: Rachael Fritz
Think about a time when an intense feeling bubbled up inside of you. Perhaps it was related to something you were hoping for - a promotion at work, a weekend away without kids, or a full night of sleep for those with little ones. Imagine the joy of experiencing what you desire.
Now imagine the tables turning, and the feeling of heartbreak, the let down, that sinking feeling of loss when your hopes are dashed. In an experience of stress, the rational centers of the brain can flood, and the logical prefrontal cortex is no longer in charge. If you’re being honest with yourself, maybe you don’t want it to be. Maybe you simply need to feel this. When you’ve had some time to experience the emotions of loss, your brain will integrate again, your prefrontal cortex will come back online, and soon you’ll be able to make sense of your experience.
Now let’s drop into the worlds of our children. Instead of our desire for a promotion, it is the tall block tower they are constructing; instead of a kids-free weekend, it is a blue sprinkle cupcake they want to eat; instead of a night of good sleep, it is the desire to go to a sleepover at a friend's house. These experiences for young children are just as big and important as the grown-up versions of desire. The language of children to communicate their needs, however, is not as developed as the older members of their household.
Because of a child’s developing brain, big feelings often flood the rational centers of the brain. One of the manifestations of this is the experience that has been coined, rather unfortunately, as a tantrum. Tantrums can be loud, messy, inconvenient, and embarrassing. It’s hard to watch a loved one have a visceral emotional reaction, when we aren’t holding that same emotion. We are using our rational thinking brain while they are operating from their emotion center.
So what do we do about it? Honestly, not a whole lot, at least at the moment. Once a tantrum is underway, it’s best to get ready to ride the waves. Anyone who tells you that they have “the thing” to say to “stop a tantrum in its tracks” is, well, mistaken.
“But, Rachael,” one might counter, “kids need to know that yelling, kicking, and screaming in a restaurant isn’t okay. Am I supposed to just let them behave that way? It feels permissive and irresponsible.”
We want to teach our children how to feel their feelings and develop the tools they need to recognize when they’re being overcome with emotion, so that they eventually can regulate and process in a way that will allow them to move about the world confidently. That, my friends, is the work of the long game. When I coach clients one-on-one, they are set up, with confidence, to do this for their children.
As we support our children’s developing emotional regulation, I offer you a guide to ride the waves of a tantrum with the word FEEL:
Frame: Tell yourself that this IS a big deal. It is a big deal because this is how your child is experiencing it. An ice cream cone that fell on the ground with only a few bites left might not seem catastrophic to you, but it does to the child who was savoring every last morsel.
Easy does it: Be cool. Move slowly. Get down on their level. If they like hugs, give hugs. If they don’t like being touched, don’t touch them. Don’t say much, in fact, you don’t have to say anything. At this moment, what matters most is building your child’s emotional regulation skills through co-regulation. The first step in co-regulating with your child is staying, or becoming, regulated yourself. While it might sound cliche, our breath is our most accessible tool for activating our parasympathetic nervous system, which aids our bodies into a state of relaxation after a stressful situation. Deep breathing helps regulate a stressed-out system, and it can go with you anywhere. More ideas to self-regulate include chewing on ice chips, running your hands under cold water, blowing air through your closed lips (making a motor-like sound), or even giving yourself a hug.
Empathize: Your presence and care helps you empathize with your child’s experience. Remember to offer empathy to yourself. Acknowledge that this is hard and you didn’t want to do this right now. But here you are, and this isn’t forever. It will end soon.
Listen: You don’t have to fix your child’s feelings. Once your child begins to calm down, listen to them. You might offer something like, “I’m here to help.” Your child might say, “I want to go home”, or “I want another ice cream.” At that point, you decide what’s best. You aren’t reinforcing a tantrum by getting them another ice cream; neither are you wrong to tell your child that you already spent money on ice cream and won’t be buying another one today. Don’t parent from a place of fear, but parent from your heart.
About the author: Rachael Fritz is a parenting coach who works with parents who feel defeated and gives them the tools and parenting strategies to love parenthood. Rachael is currently accepting new clients for her 90 day one-on-one coaching program. Book a free consultation here or visit https://parentingonmars.com.
Rachael is a mom of three, former preschool teacher, and certified parenting coach. She lives in Glencoe, IL.