Finding Wonder and Awe in the Everyday, for Us and the Children in Our Lives

By Dr. Rebecca Rolland

"So often, children experience joy and wonder, even awe--but as adults, we no longer do." I hear this misconception all the time. Does being an adult mean no longer experiencing awe or wonder? Recent research in psychology says no--and in fact, awe and wonder are key to a fulfilling life, as children and adults. 

Great conversations with kids can bond us while helping us regain that sense of awe and wonder. But we don't typically think this way. Often, in our culture, we promote the idea that we find wonder in "peak" experiences; say, climbing Mount Everest or taking an exotic vacation. 

Of course, those experiences can inspire awe. They challenge us to our limits. But we can also find awe and wonder in experiences that don't require plane rides or credit card bills. For example, when exploring a new forest, a child might ask, "What was here before the trees?" or comment that "the crunch of sticks sounds like walking on sand." It’s easy to leave these questions and comments aside. But when we run with them and make them part of a longer conversation, we inspire children to think more deeply, and we open ourselves up to more meaningful explorations. 

This process benefits us and the children in our lives, as we teach and model attitudes of inquisitiveness and curiosity. We focus less on scheduling and logistics and consider what truly interests or mystifies us. 

As a speech-language pathologist, educator, and mom of two, I know how difficult it can feel simply to organize our everyday activities. Add to that the stress of the pandemic and the pressure on us to help children succeed--and it's no surprise that it feels challenging to support wonder or awe, in children or ourselves. 

Yet finding awe in the everyday is a capacity we can develop and cultivate. One of the best and simplest ways is through our conversations with children. In talking, especially in back-and-forth ways, we can create environments where deeper questions and wonderings become commonplace. In my own parenting, clinical work, and research, I've found a few key ways to help these conversations along. For example:

1) Ask your real questions.
Many questions we ask children, especially young children, involve things we already know or could easily find out. For example, "What color is that?" "How many are there?" or "What does that word mean?" These questions are often useful in learning. Yet, when we also ask questions we really have--that is, questions to which we don't know the answer--we can greatly deepen our conversations.

Asking real questions shows children that we are still learning and don't know everything. Our tone is more genuinely curious, which supports an authentic relationship. Also, in searching out the answers, we put ourselves in a "beginner's mind," which can allow us to feel more wonder and awe.

What do our "real" questions sound like? They may bounce off a child's question. For example, if a child asks, "How many stars are there?" you might wonder aloud, "I don't know. I also don't know how many galaxies there are." You can then start to find out together.

Also, these questions may involve confusion over what a child is saying. When you don't fully understand what a child means, try describing your confusion precisely. "I don't understand that part," or "This part makes sense, but I'm confused there." This allows a child to see you're interested and engaged, and that you want to know more.

2) Talk aloud about what catches a child's eye--and pay attention. 
Is a child noticing a beautiful bird in the distance, or wondering about the oddly-shaped animal footprints in the mud? Try following a child's gaze and noticing as many details as you can. Talk aloud about those details. Does it seem like a dog or a coyote has walked on those trails?

Noticing alongside a child brings great benefits to the child and the relationship. It's so easy to pass these details by, simply because we're busy or tired, or we don't have the bandwidth. That's inevitable at times, especially when we're stressed. However, making the time at least on occasion to notice and discuss can heighten your attention to the world around you. You model an attitude of interest and curiosity, while supporting children in their own noticing. This makes for a more mindful experience and a deeper relationship.

3) Ask questions based on a child's understanding. 
Say a child complains of a classmate, "He's an amazing chess player--and I don't know at all how to play chess!"  This can be an opportunity to discuss how we all have our own strengths. Just as important, it can be an opening to talk about a child's understanding of the world. In response, you might ask, "How do you think people learn?" A child might believe that people learn a game at chess all at once. Her understanding can spark your own thinking--how do people learn these sorts of complex games?

When we ask questions based on a child's understanding, we do two things. First, we enhance their knowledge of the world and support their abilities to talk through challenging ideas. Second, we enhance our own abilities to consider complex processes and to discuss them in ways that make sense for kids. We start seeing the mystery. Learning is only one example.

When kids ask, "How do people decide to go to war?" or "What makes two people like each other?" try thinking about all the possible reasons. This builds children's understanding, starting in the early years, and helps us think more flexibly.

Sometimes we need to "unlearn" in order to gain awe and wonder. When a child asks a tough question, we have a chance to go on a learning journey with that child, and let our relationship blossom as we do. 

Rebecca Rolland is the author of The Art of Talking with Children (HarperOne, 2022). She is a lecturer at the Harvard Graduate School of Education and serves on the faculty at Harvard Medical School. She is also an oral and written language specialist in the Neurology Department of Boston Children's Hospital. Dr. Rolland delivered the keynote address to educators at The Alliance’s 32nd Networking Dinner in November 2022.