The Life-Changing Power of Repair: How and When to Apologize to Our Children
By Rachael Fritz, Parenting on Mars
The Rupture
I felt terrible. I know why I screamed at my daughter. It made sense.
I was preparing to leave on a four-day trip with friends. The childcare that was supposed to help my husband care for our three children while I was gone fell through. I still had laundry to fold, dishes to wash, and school lunches to prepare before my very early flight. I had told my daughter that it was time to come in from the outdoors. She refused.
I couldn’t tolerate any more. I erupted. I TOTALLY erupted. I was scary. While it made sense, it was wrong. The feeling wasn’t wrong, but my actions didn’t keep my child safe.
Can you relate? If you can, congratulations, you’re human. As a parenting coach and someone who practices conscious and authoritative parenting, these kinds of moments don’t happen often. When they do, I expect myself to repair. It is possible to come out of these moments feeling peace and connection with your child. With practice, you’re able to move on from the moment: forgive yourself, model apology and forgiveness, and feel like an all-around bad-ass parent!
In their book, The Power of Showing Up, Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne-Bryson identify the importance of offering safety to our children in order to build a secure attachment. Safety goes beyond keeping our kids physically safe from dangers in their environment. It includes emotional safety and working to not be a source of harm. But since we aren’t robots, and we’ll mess up from time to time, a repair from a rupture will bring us back to safety with our children. Secure relationships don’t exist without repair. This work is critical and transformational, and that’s why all parents should learn how to repair.
I could say a lot about the moment itself - themes like “default parent,” “mom guilt,” “mental load,” “emotional regulation and emotional intelligence” come to mind. But this article isn’t about any of that. It’s about what comes after the rupture and the life-changing power of repair.
The Repair
I cried a lot. Her dad comforted her and I took a break from interacting with the kids for a while. I felt my feelings and I validated them. I was sad, angry, defeated, and tired. I offered myself compassion. I also committed to take responsibility for my actions. When I came down from the heights of my emotions, I told myself, “This is going to be okay. My relationship with my daughter is stronger than this rupture. I know how to move on from this.” There was a time when I wouldn’t have been able to move forward with this kind of conviction and trust in myself and my relationship with my daughter. But because I’ve done the work to become a truly empowered parent, I was able to have faith and hope in this moment.
Through the crack in her bedroom door I said, “I’m so sorry. I’m here to talk when you’re ready.” She screamed, “Go away!” That’s okay. She didn’t need to feel ready on MY timeline. She needed to feel ready on hers. I continued to pack for my trip when I heard her door open. In a flat, somewhat annoyed sounding voice, she said, “I’m ready.”
The rest of it was a tender, loving repair of what had happened between us. The exact words and details of the repair are a bit foggy. I know we both cried. We hugged and I laid in her bed until she fell asleep.
But because I practice this regularly with my children, I know how to move us through repair pretty effortlessly. You can do this, too.
A Guide to Repair
It may seem like a lot of steps, but it should feel fluid and natural after a few practices.
Connect
Ask consent
I imagine that you’re feeling ________
Because of my choice to ____________
I regret how I ________, because it caused you to___________
In the future, I’ll do my best to __________
Here’s what I’ll do right now (my calming strategies) _________
For now, would it support you if __________
You may think a few steps are missing, such as asking for forgiveness and addressing your child’s role in the rupture. It’s purposeful that you don’t see those things here.
When we repair, a child gets to take their time with forgiveness. There is no urgency to fix the mistake; they owe us nothing. We, however, owe them safety. They regain this safety through our modeling of self-accountability.
We may also be tempted to draw attention to our child’s missteps and mistakes. You might ask yourself, “If I don’t acknowledge their misbehavior, how will they ever learn?” Again, they learn through our modeling of self-accountability. I have never entered a repair moment with my children where they don’t also offer an apology and recognition for their actions. I’ve never asked them to do this; they offer it on their own. I know they learned this by observing my actions, not because I expected them to own up to their faults.
Here is an example of what a repair might sound like:
(Connection) “Hi sweetie, is it okay if I come into your room? Watcha working on? (Consent) I was hoping to apologize for what happened earlier today; are you open to that?
Ok, thank you. I imagine you are feeling a bit confused about what happened this morning, because of how I became very stressed and yelled at you. I regret how I lost control, because it caused you to feel stressed too. We were hoping for a smooth morning, but then it became very tense. I took some time a little bit ago to close my eyes and take some deep breaths. I’m feeling much calmer now.
Next time, I’m going to get everything ready BEFORE the morning, that way I’m not rushing. That will help me stay calm. For now, would it be okay if I gave you a big hug? I love you, and I am going to keep trying to be your safe place.”
Rachael Fritz, from Parenting on Mars, offers a life-changing, transformational parenting program. She’s a mom of three and certified parenting coach. The Empowered Parent Accelerator: 90 Days to Parenting with Confidence, Pride, and Success will put you on the fast track to becoming the parent you’ve always dreamed you would be. You can find Rachael at https://parentingonmars.com to get started.