Ask Molly Pope: Biting at Daycare

Dear Molly,
There’s a child at my son’s daycare who keeps biting him. I’ve already spoken with the director, but it’s still happening—and honestly, I’m starting to feel really frustrated, he’s only 3. I hate seeing my child get hurt. I even told him it’s okay to hit back if it happens again, just so he doesn’t feel helpless. What else can I do to make sure he’s safe?

Molly Pope, EdS, I/ECMH-C, is an Infant and Early Childhood Mental Health Consultant and Parent Coach specializing in supporting children, families, and classrooms. Find her at mollypopeparentcoach.com

Your frustration makes sense. When our child is hurt, our protective instincts flare up immediately. Your desire to keep your son safe is exactly what makes you such a caring parent.

Let’s look at everyone’s role here. Your child’s physical and emotional safety matter most, and that’s the responsibility of the adults in charge at daycare. You’ve already taken the right first step by raising your concerns with the director. It’s important that you keep that line of communication open, asking specifically what steps they’re putting in place to prevent and respond to the biting. This keeps the accountability where it belongs: on the caregivers, not on your child. 

I also hear the instinct to empower your son by telling him he can hit back. That comes from such a good place, wanting him not to feel powerless. But it sends a confusing message. When we tell children not to hit, but then encourage it in some situations, it muddies the waters. Instead, you can help him practice what he CAN do in the moment. Teach him that he can step back and quickly, yell “Stop!” or “No biting!”, move toward a teacher, or find an adult to help. These strategies both protect him and reinforce that safety comes from boundaries and from trusted adults. Let him know, “I trust the grownups will handle this. And you know you can use your big voice or find a teacher if it happens again.” That message both reassures him and helps build resilience.

Finally, one of the best gifts you can give your son is your calm presence. You do this in listening and validating his experience. Affirm for him that it’s not okay to bite and that yes, biting hurts! This helps him make sense of what happened and clarifies what’s ok and what’s not okay. 

Keep advocating with the daycare until you feel confident in their plan, and at home, practice simple, non-aggressive responses with your child. You can’t control the other child’s behavior, but you can control the clarity, consistency, and safety in your response to your son. 

If you have questions you’d like Molly to respond to, please send them to info@theallianceforec.org with the subject line “Ask Molly.”