Setting Boundaries with Timing, Tone, and Tenderness
By: Molly Carew Pope, Ed.S, I/ECMH-C
Growing up in my house, I often heard phrase, “We’re a two cookie family.” That’s how many cookies went into your lunchbox, and that’s how many cookies you could take after a Saturday lunch of grilled cheese. My siblings and I didn’t ask how many cookies we could have; we just knew. The answer was always the same.
When I got older and became a parent, I adopted the same rule with my kids. Recently, my son had friends over and offered them Oreos. One friend asked, “How many can we take?” My son responded, “Two.” Each happily munched two Oreos and went back to video games.
My son’s quick, matter-of-fact response caught my attention. There was a time when my boys were much younger and I constantly was in negotiations about more sweets, more TV time, less baths, or a later bedtime. Holding boundaries without losing my cool felt impossible. I wasn’t the calm, loving parent I wanted and hoped to be.
Here’s what I know now. Boundaries most often need to be stated when emotions or expectations are high. When both parents and kids are emotional, it’s a recipe for more stress and upset. It can be helpful to understand what’s happening in the brain and body in these tough moments, to garner more empathy for our children and for ourselves. Once we know what’s happening, we can hold boundaries with confidence, using timing, tone and tenderness.
Understanding Your Child’s Meltdown
Dr. Dan Siegel’s Upstairs Brain, Downstairs Brain model is an easy way to understand how kids (and adults) react to stress and emotions. The Upstairs Brain (Prefrontal Cortex) is the rational, thinking part of the brain. It helps with problem-solving, emotional regulation, empathy, and decision-making. The Downstairs Brain (Limbic System & Brainstem) is the emotional and survival-driven part of the brain. It controls instinctive reactions like fight, flight, or freeze.
When a child gets overwhelmed (e.g., frustration, exhaustion, hunger, or feeling misunderstood), their downstairs brain takes over, triggering big emotions and survival reactions. Their upstairs brain goes offline, meaning they can’t reason, listen, or regulate themselves. Read that again. Children literally cannot process your words when they are upset/ This is why logic or long-winded explanations don’t help in the heat of a meltdown.
It’s natural to feel frustrated when your child doesn’t (or can’t!) listen. In those moments, remind yourself:
Behavior is communication: Meltdowns aren’t bad behavior—they’re a sign that the child’s brain is overwhelmed. Be curious about their need in this moment—fatigue, hunger, frustration, or a desire for connection.
Your own regulation matters: You can’t bring a child to a calm state if you are not calm yourself. Take some slow deep breaths, speak kindly to yourself with a mantra (“This is hard, but I can handle it”), or step away briefly if needed.
Co-regulate and connect: Being physically and emotionally present—without immediately demanding compliance—helps your child feel safe. Offer comfort or a hug if they’re open to it. Model breathing by letting your inhales and exhales be audible. You’re trying to get their upstairs brain back online. Validate their feelings (“I see you’re really upset”) before trying to fix or teach.
Timing is Everything
You took your deep breaths, stayed calm, gave comfort and validated their feelings. Before you give the directions and instructions again, you want to make sure you have a regulated child on your hands. You will be much more successful getting cooperation if your child feels seen and heard. This is why timing matters. Giving instructions before your child is ready will likely trigger resistance again. Here’s some clues that help you know if they’re ready:
If there are tears, let them flow: Sometimes a child who is feeling angry or upset can then break down into tears. That’s a sign of release; that a stress cycle is ending. Continue to comfort and validate their feelings.
Get them to yes: When a child seems calm and ready to talk, say something you think they would agree with. For example, “You were hoping we could stay longer at the playground.” “Yes!” This helps them feel heard and helps organize their experience.
Humor, playfulness, and distraction can be your friend: Gentle humor or playfulness can be a way to invite a child back into their upstairs brain and move on from the upset. If your humor doesn’t land well, that’s okay. They just might need more comfort or time.
Once your child is calmer, your words will be far more effective. This is when you can gently restate the boundary and invite problem-solving.
The Power of Tone
When we need to state a limit or a boundary, it's easy to slip into one of two extremes: a passive approach that gives in or an authoritarian stance that demands compliance. But there's a third way—an assertive voice that blends firm boundaries with emotional attunement.
Your tone carries as much meaning as your words. An authoritarian tone—stern, loud, or threatening—dismisses a child’s feelings. It may gain short-term compliance but often creates resentment or fear. A passive tone—hesitant or overly accommodating—can lead to confusion and limit-testing. Our goal is a "just right” balance of not too soft and not too harsh. We want our words and tone to be assertive: firm yet warm, confident yet kind. Boundaries don’t need to be harsh; they are just facts.
Calm and steady: Avoid yelling or a sharp edge in your voice. A lower, even tone from your diaphragm signals control and confidence.
Clear and direct: Speak with clarity. Instead of “No throwing, ok?” say, “Stop throwing the toy. That’s not safe.”
Empathetic but unwavering: Acknowledge feelings while maintaining expectations. “I know you’re upset that we’re leaving the park, but it’s time to go now. We can come back another day.”
Practice makes progress: If hitting your “just right” assertive tone is new to you, never fear! It’s a skill that you will improve with practice. Practice by saying indisputable facts: The sky is blue, the grass is green, it’s time to come to dinner.
Your child absorbs not just what you say, but how you say it. When your tone is both respectful and firm, you model self-regulation and clear communication.
Setting Limits with Tenderness
Holding boundaries does not mean shutting down emotions. In fact, boundaries are most effective when we are also emotionally attuned. Children don’t need to be told what to do; they need to feel understood.
Validate their emotions first: Before enforcing a rule, acknowledge what they are feeling. “I see that you’re really frustrated because screen time is over.”
Use When/Then statements: Instead of threats, frame consequences as logical steps. “When you put on your shoes, then we can go play outside.”
Offer choices within limits: Give structured options to help your child feel in control. “You can brush your teeth by yourself or I can help you.”
Repair after rupture: If a boundary led to a meltdown, circle back later to reconnect and repair. “I know you were really upset earlier when I turned off the iPad. I love you, and we’ll try again tomorrow.”
Compassionate Boundary Setting Leads to Emotional Resiliency
When you are willing to see your child’s behavior as them communicating a need or feeling from their downstairs brain, your role to help them ride out their feelings or meet their need becomes clear. Unfortunately, this is not always convenient. This practice requires patience. It might derail your plans for the day. But you are building your child’s emotional resiliency. Building emotional resiliency means allowing them the time and support to feel their emotions.
I like the analogy of the mud puddle. When our toddler falls in the mud puddle and gets soaked, we often rush in to scoop them up and spare them from the wetness and inevitable discomfort of wet clothes. But if they’re already wet, there is no real urgency. Feelings are the same way. If the sadness, upset, and frustration are here, it is not our job to scoop them up out of the feeling. We do this to either spare them or ourselves the discomfort of this big feeling. Instead, we have an opportunity to sit in the puddle of the feeling with them, supporting them as it passes. This is the life skill that we want our children to have: to trust that their feelings will pass and that they can handle it.
Navigating Big Emotions with Consistency and Compassion
When our children get overwhelmed by a big feeling, they need a calm, compassionate parent to support them through the feeling and get back on track. By being self-aware of our own emotions, we can use our timing, tone, and tenderness to attune emotionally and to hold necessary boundaries.
You won’t get it perfect every time. One of your kids might be trickier than another. You may be reading this and fear it’s too late to start. Remember that there is no such thing as perfect parenting, and it’s never too late. You do your best with what you have that day, knowing that there will be many opportunities to practice your “just right” boundary setting tone.
Molly Carew Pope, EdS, I/ECMH-C, is an Infant and Early Childhood Mental Health Consultant and Parent Coach, specializing in supporting children, families, and classrooms. She has worked with young children and families as a school psychologist for 17 years. She strongly believes that for children to learn and thrive, they first need to feel safe, seen, and secure. Knowing that nobody’s perfect and it’s never too late to start, she works with adults to help children successfully manage emotions and build their self esteem.
Find her at mollypopeparentcoach.com.