Parenting from the Head, Heart, and Hands
By Reena Vohra Morgan
Whether you are familiar with the term Conscious Parenting, Responsive Parenting, Empowered Parenting, Gentle Parenting, Peaceful Parenting or a similar parenting approach in line with “I’m trying my best to be a good parent, but parenting is not easy, so please help! (and please go easy on me!)”, I'd like to reassure you, you are not alone on this journey.
It’s easy to get lost in tips and tricks, but parenting is essentially about being attuned and in relationship with your children. I like to think about this relationship using a framework from the Montessori tradition - the head (intellect), the heart (empathy), and the hands (connection). I first learned these 10 principles through my parent coaching with the Jai Institute.
This model speaks to how we, as humans, fully embody a parenting moment - with our intellect, with our emotions, and with our actions. I hope these 10 principles below will serve as a guide for you on this amazing (and exhausting) gift of parenthood.
Parenting from the Head
Being Informed and Aware: One aspect of being informed and aware is to know what are developmentally appropriate expectations for your child. Sometimes we may expect too much from our five-year-old, because we are comparing them to their three-year-old sibling. Other times, we may underestimate how capable our two-year-old child is - they may be having tantrums because they want to do things for themselves that we may think they cannot do (or we don’t let them try because it might get messy.). Another key aspect of being informed and aware is understanding our own “activators” - asking ourselves, “what seems to really upset me and why?” The more aware we are of what “activates” our fight/flight/freeze stress response system, the more we can name our emotions and respond to them in more productive ways. Finally, having the knowledge and understanding of parenting patterns and becoming more aware of our default patterns will help us break negative pattern cycles. This awareness will help us shift to patterns that will better serve us and our children. Awareness is half the battle!
Intentional and Reflective: Once we have more information and awareness, we intentionally can be more intentional and reflective with our growing knowledge. We can intentionally start disrupting patterns because we are more aware of them, and we can reflect on the growth (and setbacks) that are a part of this process. Changing generational patterns takes time and conscious effort to make even subtle shifts. The more we set small, actionable, and measurable goals, the more we can assess our progress. This allows us to be more proactive as we try to get ahead of the behavior we are trying to change.
Commitment to Growth: As mentioned above, growth is a process and there will be setbacks on this journey. Setbacks are totally normal and to be expected. It's important to keep trying: try your best to not fall into a shame and guilt spiral when setbacks happen; give yourself grace, compassion, and forgiveness (what we would offer someone else if they made a mistake), and recommit to doing better next time. You will get there!
Parenting from the Heart
All Feelings are Valid and Welcome: When we parent from the heart, we are building empathy. When our children have big feelings, we respect those feelings by validating them - it’s okay for our children to feel angry, sad, or disappointed without fear that we will judge or shame them for their big feelings. It’s not our job to fix or change their feelings, but it is our job to hold space for them and allow them to be felt. We can establish boundaries on what is or is not okay about how we express our feelings (ie. it’s ok to cry, but it is not okay to hit your brother). (More on this in the ninth principle.)
Attunement: When we “tune-in” to our child’s feelings, we are actively listening and respecting the process of navigating big feelings. Often children are unable to explain why they are feeling a certain way. We can help by listening, or if they are ready, we can take “empathy guesses” to help them better understand and process their feelings.
Kindness, Acceptance, and Forgiveness: Our child’s big feelings may stir up all kinds of emotions and feelings within ourselves; try and remember, “my child is not trying to give me a hard time, my child is going through a hard time.” If we can accept that their big feelings are not personal, we can better respond with kindness and forgiveness because we know the child is in “fight or flight” mode. If we do get activated by their big emotions (usually because our own ‘fight or flight” system has taken over), we need to give ourselves grace, compassion, and forgiveness. If you have a setback, remember that two steps forward and one step back is still progress.
Parenting from the Hands
Connecting Before Correcting: When our child is in their big feelings, it’s not the time to tell them what they could have done differently; nor is it the time to offer solutions (not yet!). If we start offering our “how to correct it” advice while they are still in their emotional dysregulation, they are not able to process this and will usually go into more defensiveness. Instead, find a way to connect with them through an action, to help them move toward regulating their emotions. This might be offering a hug, a glass of water, a snack, or a back rub. You are offering a way to help them towards calmness first, so they then can be ready and able to move to the next step of resolution.
Commitment to Safety: The “hands” of parenting should always be gentle. If you are activated and ready to “fight or flight,” choose flight, and walk away, cool down, and come back to repair. You never want to hurt your child be it physically, verbally, or emotionally. If you feel like you may lash out with rage or if you physically might be too rough, make sure the child is safe and take a few minutes to walk away and work towards regulating your own emotions (take a drink of water, take deep breaths, splash cold water on your face.). If you make a mistake, always repair by apologizing and committing to doing better. Talk about what this may look like so you are holding yourself accountable to your own words.
Boundaries and Values: It’s important to set boundaries which are grounded in our values. As mentioned above, “hitting” goes against a value of respect. We set the boundaries based on our values. Your family’s values should be something that is discussed and reflected on through family meetings. When values are discussed with clarity, and when we uphold them consistently, through clear boundaries and expectations, we are giving our children the safety, love and security they deserve.
Play!: The last principle here is a reminder to create moments of JOY both together with your family and for yourself! When you can create playful opportunities with your children, such as dancing while preparing dinner, singing in the car, or a family game night, you are putting “healthy deposits in the emotional bank.” When they need to make a withdrawal, they are not depleted! Same goes for us as adults. What do you do that brings you joy? Yoga? Creating with your hands? Nature walks? Carve out the time to fill your reserves too. You will not feel so depleted when you need to dip into these reserves to gain control over your activators.
Reena Vohra Morgan is a Montessori Consultant & Coach, and founder of HIVE. She has over 20 years of experience as a Montessori teacher and school administrator. Reena holds a Master’s Degree in Childhood Development from the Erikson Institute, Chicago. She holds both AMS and AMI Primary Montessori Certifications and is a Jai Certified Parenting Coach. Reena is a Montessori teacher trainer with Montessori Residency of Chicago (MRC) and is the board president of Association of Illinois Montessori Schools (AIMS). In combination with theoretical knowledge, practical experience, and compassion, Reena uses an evidenced-based, reflective approach to guide and empower educators and parents. She offers concrete strategies, tools and manageable action plans to “help adults, help children.” Reena resides in the city of Chicago with her husband, three uniquely wonderful daughters, two cats, and one dog!