Chronicles of a Therapist as a New Mom: The Comparison Conundrum
Maddie Mays, LSW, Counseling Center of the North Shore
Like most current parents of young children, the TV show Bluey is a permanent fixture in my household. On a recent viewing with my toddler, I was half-watching while nursing my 6-month baby, when I found myself moved beyond words. In the episode “Baby Race,” Bluey’s mom, Chili, tells her now older daughters, Bluey and Bingo, about how she always felt competitive with other moms in her friend group. She describes the elation she felt when Bluey hit milestones like rolling over or crawling before the other babies, and her sense of personal failure when Bluey took longer to reach those moments. This constant comparison was the only way Chili knew how to measure her success as a parent, but it was creating a lot of anxiety in her.
The episode ends with Coco, an experienced mom of a huge litter, (these are dogs after all) visiting Chili at home. Clearly attuning to Chili’s parenting distress, Coco says, “There is something that you need to know.” “What?” a worried Chili asks. “You’re doing great,” Coco says. Chili sheds a grateful tear and the two embrace. Cue me going into a full-blown sobbing fit, while my toddler and baby look at me completely confused.
The Anxious Internal Dialogue
As a working therapist who has supported many new parents, I know how stressful, confusing, and isolating parenting babies and toddlers can be. Often though, it is hard for me to extend the same compassion I have for clients to myself. For days after this viewing, I reflected on why this moment impacted me so deeply. Yes, I’m sure postpartum hormone swings are partially to blame, but what I realized is that the exchange with Chili and Coco perfectly mirrored my parenting experience so far. All my studies of child development and my direct clinical work with families were no match for my feelings of parental overwhelm and self-judgment.
I could list off hundreds, if not thousands, of instances where I’ve caught myself measuring my children’s development, and therefore my capacity as a parent, against others. And I’m just three years in! In one recent week alone, here is a snapshot of questions that have run through my mind about my youngest son:
“He isn’t sleeping through the night yet, but my friend’s son is the same age and was clocking a solid 12 hours months ago. Is this happening because I haven’t sleep trained yet? Why can’t I just take the next step and do it already!”
“He is babbling but not saying any words yet, and I know my nephew started talking much earlier. Is something developmentally wrong?”
“He is only taking two naps when the internet says three is best for a 6-month-old. Did I not maintain a consistent enough schedule to promote more sleep?”
If this internal dialogue sounds familiar, please know I see you, and that these questions are so normal. It makes sense to compare and look for external measurements when we feel so ungrounded by the day-to-day rollercoaster of managing our children’s everchanging needs and moods, let alone our own. The problem is that looking to others for what is “normal” or “expected” can actually increase rather than lessen our anxiety, since every child develops differently and at their own pace.
A big reframe I’ve found helpful is the idea that these bouts of anxious comparison, and our anxiety as parents, in general, have a protective function. We all want the best for our kids and for them to be happy, healthy, and have their needs met. When that goal feels threatened, we find any way we can to get back on track, searching for answers that might help quell that fear. Enter anxiety and looking to others for a possible solution.
Through much trial and error, I have begun to cultivate my own tool kit that helps snap me back to reality when these anxious thought patterns take over. Bear in mind, this is a living tool kit and constantly evolving. These three ideas, however, are through lines that help me avoid comparisons and remember my unique strengths as a parent and person.
Put self-regulation first
When we enter anxious spirals about our parenting, it can often serve as a signal to us that we are outside of what Dr. Dan Siegel, a noted psychiatrist and professor, coined our “window of tolerance,” or the ideal mental and physiological space where we can most effectively express our emotions. If you’re noticing yourself getting onto that hamster wheel of comparison or self-criticism, you might observe physical symptoms coming up like chest tightness, feeling overheated, or having an upset stomach. Something as simple as going outside, splashing cold water on your face, doing some deep breathing exercises, having a glass of water, or eating a snack can go a long way in helping to put us back in our window.
Lean on your village, with limits
Perhaps the biggest shock for me when I became a new parent was how isolating an experience it can be at times. Even with a robust support system behind me, I found myself regularly turning inward and feeling alone in my anxiety and self-doubt as a parent. As with any other form of worry, naming it and receiving validation can go a long way in giving it less power and helping us feel seen.
One of the best ways to discharge these fears is to share them with a trusted individual or group. An important caveat, though, is to be choosy with whom and what you share so as not to cause further emotional distress. For example, I have a fellow mom friend who is highly anxious. While I love to share photos and positive experiences of our kids, I find that she often exacerbates rather than calms my stress. When I feel worried, I turn instead to my sister-in-law, as she is the parent of teenage kids and can not only hold space, but she provides a much-needed perspective as well. Different feelings require different supports, and being mindful of how others make you feel in your most vulnerable moments is a form of emotional self-care.
The only constant is change
It is my firm belief that this is the bumper sticker every parent should receive following the birth of their child. It might seem oversimplified, but it is so true. It is often too easy in moments of deep stress about our kids to remember that no stage lasts forever. When my baby wakes up for the third time during the night, and I feel like I’m never going to get a full night’s sleep again, I find it helpful to remind myself and even say out loud like a personal mantra, “This is temporary. The only constant is change.” Now not only is my baby sleeping through the night, but it feels like ancient history next to the current set of challenges like teething and starting solid foods.
Resources
To all the new parents out there just trying to make it through the day, you are doing great. If you are finding the stress to be unmanageable, here are some resources that can help.
Participate in Alliance for Early Childhood programming
Find an individual therapist whom you trust and connect with. Our colleagues at the Counseling Center of the North Shore are currently accepting new clients.
Join a postpartum support group. Postpartum Support International and Beyond the Baby Blues are great places to start.
Maddie Mays, LSW, is a Staff Therapist at the Counseling Center of the North Shore. Maddie works with clients experiencing a wide range of challenges from depression, to anxiety, trauma, relational problems, and life transitions. As a new mother herself, Maddie values the opportunity to connect with new and experienced parents as they navigate the many ups and downs of raising humans. For information about therapy services at CCNS feel free to reach out to Maddie at 847.716.4830/m.mays@ccns,org or visit www.ccns.org.
