Supporting Children Through Divorce: First Steps Toward Healthy Adjustment
Marnie Leahy, MA, LCPC, Best Self Inc.
Deciding to divorce isn’t just a legal and emotional turning point for you – it’s a major life shift for your children, too. Even when separation is the healthiest choice for everyone, it’s normal to worry about how your child will cope, grow and feel safe moving forward. The good news is this: Children can adjust and even thrive post-divorce, especially when parents intentionally plan, communicate and seek support that centers on the well-being of their children.
Research consistently shows that divorce itself doesn’t doom children to poor outcomes. What does? The key player here is the level of parental conflict that children are exposed to and/or a part of in any way, including negative feedback after the fact. For the strongest predictors of children’s distress, runners up are inconsistent routines and a lack of support during the transition.
Many years spent in the therapy room have proven this to be true across the board: Parents who agree upon basic structures and boundaries, prioritize the child’s mental health (above their own resentments), shield them from adult conflict and remain emotionally available are the most likely to have high-functioning children during and after the divorce.
In our practice, we help families navigate the transition into healthy co-parenting, so that parents and children alike have the tools they need to adjust with less stress and greater resilience. We help parents redesign their relationship – from romantic partners to business partners, who share a common goal, a healthy child.
Age Specific Considerations
It’s important to consider the age of the child and how they may digest information, according to their current developmental level. Seeking support from a licensed professional can help parents understand if their child is coping in healthy ways, or if they need help learning the skill sets to regulate emotions and adjust properly.
Young Children (Ages 2–5)
Younger children struggle with abstract explanations and may internalize the change, often fearing abandonment or thinking the divorce is their fault. In this age range, it’s important to reassure them often, maintain predictable routines, and keep transitions between homes calm and consistent.
Signs to watch for: behavioral regression, sleep disturbances, increased tantrums, difficulty verbalizing emotions or recovering from distress.
Older Children (Ages 6–12)
Children of this age benefit greatly from structure and clear expectations. They may feel split loyalty or worry about fairness. Consistency between homes, especially around rules, consequences, and daily routines, lowers anxiety and behavior issues.
Signs to watch for: academic changes, social withdrawal, frequent somatic complaints (unexplained headaches, stomach aches, etc), declining enjoyable activities.
Adolescents (Ages 13–18)
Teens understand the situation intellectually but can still struggle emotionally. They may act out, become more distant, or show risk-taking behaviors. Open communication that respects their emerging autonomy — balanced with clear boundaries — helps teens feel heard without sacrificing structure.
Signs to watch for: increased irritability, conflict with authority, emotional withdrawal, increased risk-taking behaviors.
Where Co-Parents Should Align
Specialized co-parenting therapy also helps parents proactively address issues that often lead to stress for children – like inconsistent rules and unclear boundaries. Intervening in this area early supports the child’s current adjustment and demonstrates that their foundation is still strong – even if the ground shakes a little. In many cases, this also helps reduce the need for more intensive child therapy later on by preventing confusion, insecurity and behavior challenges.
While children will enjoy different types of relationships, closeness and experiences with each parent, there are a few areas we suggest co-parents strive to align on as closely as possible. This involves initial planning and ongoing communication, while reassuring children and teens that they can still rely on their parents’ care during a difficult time.
Core Values and Rules
Your child benefits most when both parents agree on major expectations, especially in areas like discipline, consequences, and respect for others. Kids feel safer when the “rules” follow them from home to home. Examples often include consequences for behavior, expectations around grades and consistency in regards to a discipline philosophy.
Consistent Routines
Predictable schedules, such as bedtime, homework time, and weekend routines, help reduce anxiety and behavioral problems. Everyone wins, when the home structures feel similar, within reason.
Screen Time and Media Use
Technology isn’t going away, and it can become a battleground if not agreed upon. Decide together on age-appropriate limits, bedtime screen rules, and expectations for homework before devices.
Communication and Schedules
Use shared calendars, regular check-ins, and structured methods of clear communication to keep both parents informed about school, appointments, and changes, reducing conflict and preventing misunderstandings.
Stay Child-Centered
Commit to keeping adult discussions and disagreements out of earshot of the kids. Focus conversations with your co-parent on the child’s needs, not past hurts or perceived slights.
Learning to co-parent well isn’t intuitive, especially when emotions are still raw from separation. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by decisions, unsure how to communicate with your co-parent, or worried about meeting your child’s emotional needs during divorce, you’re not alone. Our team is here to help guide you through these first steps and beyond, so your children can feel secure, supported, and understood no matter where they’re living.
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Marnie Leahy, MA, LCPC is the founder of Best Self Inc., professional counseling for children, adolescents, parents and their families, located in Highland Park and Chicago (both in-person and virtual services).
