“I HATE YOU!” How to Respond to Disrespectful Behavior

By Molly Pope, Ed.S., I/ECMH-C

“NO I WON'T!” my son screamed, slamming the door to his bedroom. As I stood there, my mouth open and heart racing, I felt my entire body tense with rage. This disrespectful behavior is NOT okay! Who does he think he is? 

And all of a sudden, I was 6 years old again, back in my childhood home, feeling angry and powerless, slamming doors, yelling at my parents, and edging to the line of other behaviors not allowed in my house. I instinctively knew this, not testing the limits for fear of how my parents would respond. In that door slam moment with my son, that old childhood fear was underneath my anger, preventing me from being the wise, calm parent I wanted to be.

Disrespectful behavior is one of the most common concerns parents have about their children. It feels so egregious, so uncomfortable, even shameful. Parents often feel like they're doing something wrong, and they have no idea how to get it to stop.

In this article, you’ll learn what’s really going on in those disrespectful moments, and better understand why it feels so upsetting as a parent. You’ll find out how important your own emotional regulation is, so you have the bandwidth to respond, rather than overreact to your child. Finally, you will pick up some strategies to use in the moment, when the inevitable rude behavior shows up. 

Why is Disrespectful Behavior so Triggering?

There are plenty of reasons why our child’s disrespectful behavior is emotionally triggering and leads us to overreact. 

Sometimes we expect more emotional maturity than our child is developmentally capable of giving. A sassy response or rude comment can be fueled by a child’s poor impulse control or emotional overwhelm. Children under the age of 5 are heavily reliant on their caregivers to help them regulate their emotions and understand their big feelings. Impulse control starts to come online around age 3.5 to 4 and continues to develop through age 5. We stay in step with our child’s development by responding calmly but firmly when our child is rude. 

Sometimes we interpret our child’s behavior as a direct reflection of how we are doing as a parent. Our parent report card, you might say. Picture the last time you had an unwanted audience during a tricky child interaction. Maybe you were at the park, grocery store, on an airplane, or at your inlaws. You do your very best to respond calmly and fairly, feeling both your and your child’s behavior was being judged. When we feel insecure about how best to respond to our child’s rudeness, it’s normal that a question or comment can feel like an attack or judgment. We can give ourselves grace in those moments with some breaths for our nervous system and a gentle reminder, “I’m doing the best that I can in this moment.” 

Some disrespectful behavior is emotionally triggering because of our own childhood experiences. We want to stay calm, but we lose our cool. It’s normal to get dysregulated by rudeness, especially if our childhood was less than ideal. We may repeat old patterns of yelling, threatening, or silencing when we don’t know what else to do. On the other hand, we may freeze up, not knowing another way to respond. We want to break the cycle of parenting by fear, responding to our child with respect. 

The Inner Work of Parenting

As parents we become weary of the negotiating, fighting, and whining in the house especially when we’re already feeling overwhelmed, tired, or underappreciated. In those moments (I’m looking at you, bedtime!) we may lose our cool or shut down when our child is being disrespectful. It’s an understandable response, and we’re not alone.

Our overreactions are an invitation to look inward. Learning how to take care of yourself when you’re upset, overwhelmed, or overfunctioning is an important part of being a “good enough” parent. 

A recent parent coaching client came to me feeling ineffective in her parenting. Her 4-year-old son was either extremely clingy with her or rude and reactionary. Early in our sessions, she shared that holding boundaries with her child was hard; she would either cave in or yell. The more she caved in, the more clingy and rude her son became, and the more guilty she felt when she ended up yelling. She started by acknowledging places in her life where her own needs were not getting met and made plans to take care of herself. 

Together we identified the triggers that added to her own emotional dysregulation, such as her son’s clinginess and whining. She practiced setting clear, compassionate boundaries with her son. By focusing on her own needs, she felt more emotionally regulated throughout the day. She was able to be the calm, regulated parent she wanted to be, and respond to her son’s behavior without blowing up.

Shifting “Disrespectful" to Overwhelmed

Disrespect is a sign of a child’s emotional dysregulation. Children get overwhelmed by big emotions like frustration, anger, hurt, and disappointment and need your help organizing their feelings. They use any means to let you know how they’re feeling, including hurtful words. In those moments of overwhelm and dysregulation, a child’s rational brain is not online. Even if they know the expectations of how to behave, they aren’t able to access that in the moment. Their emotions have gotten the best of them. 

We want to teach emotional regulation to our children, and that starts with how we respond. When we respond to our children from a calm and grounded stance, our children feel the safe haven of our care. We are modeling what it looks like, and they are experiencing what it feels like. Rather than “do as I say, not as I do,” you’re modeling a powerful, “do as I do” lesson in emotional regulation. 

When we shift how we label rude behavior, we shift the narrative we tell ourselves about “disrespect.” We can see our child as dysregulated rather than disrespectful, and our empathy for them grows. A parent recently shared how this shift helped her. In the midst of a pre-bedtime meltdown, with angry, rude comments being flung her way, this mom saw how overwhelmed her 3-and-a-half-year-old son was feeling. Noticing that his emotions had taken over, she took her deep breath, crouched down and said, “I see that you are not okay.” Her son stopped and looked back at her, thought for a moment, looked at the family dog and said, “Is Rusty okay?” Then began a slow conversation about who was and wasn’t okay in the house. 

Her response modeled emotional regulation, helped her son feel seen and supported, which allowed them to reconnect. Her son is learning that he is not alone in his feelings, that he can trust and share his emotions without being overwhelmed by them. 

Connect, then Correct

If you’ve ever felt words escape your mouth before your brain knew what you were saying, welcome to the club! Don’t you talk that way to me! Who do you think you are? Apologize now!

All parents have moments where they don’t show up as their best selves. The good news is, our children don’t need us to be perfect. They need us to be “good enough.” So what does “good enough” look like when we need to respond to rude behavior?

Rude behavior is a take charge moment. Remind yourself not to take the behavior personally. Then remind your child of the limit, without overreacting or unintentionally shaming. We aim to connect first, and then correct our child. If we are working to stay emotionally regulated throughout the day, and remember that this rude statement is a glimpse at your child’s dysregulation, then we are better equipped to step into our calm confidence and take charge. 

Here are three strategies that can help you address and correct rude behavior, while staying in connection with your child.

A direct, instructive response can often be effective: I love you and I want to help you; however you’ll need to try again with the way you are speaking. 

You can provide a chance at a do-over, without the over-reaction. Hey, how could you say that differently? You could also try: I don’t let people talk to me that way, and I hope you don’t let people speak to you that way, let’s try again. 

Remember, your non-verbal communication is just as impactful as your words. Think about your tone, volume and proximity. You’re striving for that balance of firmness and affection, that builds our child’s sense of security.

But sometimes, your child is beyond the point of language and you need to speak straight to the emotion: I can see that you’re really upset; I think we need to take a moment, calm down, and then we can talk. Then you co-regulate with them, so they can get to a place of feeling better. 

Molly Pope, Ed.S., I/ECMH-C, is your partner-in-parenting, on a mission to make sure that your hard moments as a parent don’t make you believe you’re a bad parent. She's the CEO and Founder of Molly Pope Coaching and Consulting, where she blends her 20+ years as a school psychologist and parent coach to help parents tackle their kids' big feelings and behaviors with simple, research-backed strategies that prioritize connection, cooperation, and compassion. As an Infant and Early Childhood Mental Health Specialist, she supports early childhood programs through consultation, trainings and parent education. In her free time, you’ll find her traveling to find the perfect surf waves and spending quality time with her husband, two awesome boys, and their beloved animals.