Ask Molly Series: Kissing in Kindergarten

Molly Carew Pope, EdS, I/ECMH-C

I received an email from my kindergartener’s teacher saying he kissed a boy in class and had tried to kiss a girl the day before. The teacher told the children that kissing is for family and asked me to talk with him about “sharing love in a different way.”

My immediate reaction was shame, which surprised me. I tried to stay calm when I talked with him and focused on boundaries and consent. He felt okay and we gave each other kisses before bed. Last year he also received feedback about keeping his hands to himself with other boys. I’m wondering: Is this normal kindergarten behavior? And, how do I address it without passing my own shame onto him?

Ahh, kindergarten and kissing.

First, take a breath. Yes, this is developmentally common.

At this age, children are still figuring out social norms. They are affectionate, sensory, relational beings, still learning that different environments have different expectations, and that what feels playful and loving at home doesn’t always fit within a school setting. Part of early childhood is learning about context. In many ways, it’s early “code-switching.” We kiss family members. At school, we show connection in different ways. That learning takes repetition.

I appreciate the teacher’s framing: “Kissing is for family.” That gives you and your son a clear and concrete guideline without labeling him as “bad.” Children don’t need to feel bad about being affectionate; they need guidance about where and how affection is expressed.

Given that he’s had previous feedback about keeping his hands to himself, this may not be about “misbehavior” so much as skill-building. Some kids are more sensory, more relational, more exuberant. When they feel joy, connection, or excitement, it comes out through their bodies.

So instead of only telling him what not to do, you expand his social skills toolkit.

You can practice what to do at school:

• “At school, we use high fives.”

• “You can say, ‘I LOVE playing with you!’”

• “You can smile, wave, or give a thumbs up.”

• “You can ask, ‘Can I give you a hug?’ and listen for yes or no.”

This turns the conversation from correction to coaching. You’re not suppressing affection, you’re shaping it.

But I really want to highlight something important here:your self-awareness.

You shared that your initial reaction was shame. That’s not a parenting failure, that’s nervous system information. When a school reaches out, it can activate old narratives very quickly: My child is too much. I’m in trouble. I did something wrong. Those reactions are fast and powerful.

What matters most is that you noticed it. 

You paused, you stayed calm, and you focused on teaching. That pause, that reflection, is how intergenerational patterns shift. Instead of unconsciously passing your shame forward, you processed it and chose connection. 

Finally, a gentle reminder that we can’t prevent our children from ever feeling discomfort. Nor should we. Social feedback is part of learning. Our job isn’t to erase consequences; it’s to help them metabolize the experience without collapsing into the belief that “I am bad.”

From what you describe, this sounds like a normal developmental moment handled with thoughtfulness. Keep emphasizing:

• Bodies belong to the person.

• We ask before touching.

• We save kisses for family.

• At school, we show friendship in other ways.

Affection is not the problem. He just needs guidance about context and consent.

And you’re already doing that. Well done.

Molly Carew Pope, EdS, I/ECMH-C, is the founder of Molly Pope Coaching and Consulting, where she helps parents of young children build cooperative, connected families by strengthening the adult first. With over twenty years of experience supporting families and classrooms, she guides parents in deepening self-awareness, cultivating relational presence, and providing the security children need to thrive. Grounded in the belief that no one needs to be “fixed” and that hard moments don’t define us, Molly helps parents develop self-trust and the compassionate leadership their families need. Find her at mollypopeparentcoach.com.